GARGOZO MANUSCRIPT

I first took notice of a lump the size of a beer nut about a week ago.  It was on my right buttock about an inch-and-a-half due west of my anus.  I was barely aware that it was there at the beginning but as the days passed it grew to the size of a walnut and the degree of inflammation, pressure and pain increased daily.  The idea of going to see a doctor to have it taken care of terrified me, so I tried to ignore it and kept wishing that it would disappear.  It was only after things reached a point where I could not bear to sit, stand or lie down that I phoned a local urgent care clinic. Despite never having been to the clinic before I was grateful to find that they could schedule me for that afternoon.  The receptionist said I would be seen by a physician’s assistant named Jessica whose last name was unpronounceable and contained two-thirds of the letters in the alphabet.  I was so desperate I didn’t hesitate one second to accept the appointment know...

Unbeknownst to my sister-in-law I’ve invited several former San Diego mayors to her Christmas party.  According to Natasha Wolfe’s party planning tips I found in The Daily Beast , “The best gatherings are generally ones that have a few unexpected guests.”  All the better of course if they are well-known, “The curiosity for a luminary and the awe of an accomplished individual adds a little magic to a gathered group.”  Since my sister-in-law lives in San Diego most of the party goers would surely recognize any one of the six I’ve invited who led the city all but 10 years since 1983. Working in the same order in which they held office I began with Roger Hedgecock (1983-1985) who was charged with several felonies related to receiving over $350,000 in illegal campaign funds and was forced from office.  He pleaded guilty to one count of conspiracy and was found guilty of twelve counts of  perjury.  Four days after he resigned he began a nationally syndi...

Image from the Hollywood Reporter I was convinced Terry Gilliam had ghost written the magazine article I found in The Occidental .  He graduated from Oxy the year before I started there and the article had the same combination of tongue-in-cheek and outrageous slapstick that Gilliam had contributed to Monty Python’s Flying Circus .  As I worked my way through it chuckling to myself, it slowly dawned on me what I initially thought came from Gilliam’s devilish imagination had in fact actually taken place. It seems that students had occupied the college’s administration building on a Monday in November of last year.  The activity was part of a nationwide demonstration in response to racially charged events at the University of Missouri .  The day began with the demonstrators sharing accounts of microaggressions; marching around campus chanting “My neck, my back/Get the f*** out yo class;” and prior to taking over the admin building, handing the college Pres...

Photo by Ringo H.W. Chiu/AP There she was again; orchestrating another press conference while supplying her distraught client with tissues.  Given the media frenzy surrounding the 2016 presidential election, I wondered why it had taken so long for her to join in the fray.  She is getting on (75 last July) and hasn’t seen the inside of a courtroom in years, but I didn’t think that would be enough to keep her off the front page.  Then I learned she was supporting Hillary which meant she had to lay low until they started trotting out females violated by Clinton ’s opponent instead of by her husband. Gloria Allred’s efforts on behalf of mistresses and other women wronged by the well-known and well-to-do have brought her fame and fortune but there’s more to it than that.  Despite her pronouncement “The more I know about men the more I like dogs,” she doesn’t always go after men.  She helped submarine Meg Whitman’s 2010 run for governor when Allred represente...

It’s official!  On October 21, UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon will declare Wonder Woman as the honorary ambassador for the United Nations, launching a campaign to achieve gender equality and women’s empowerment over the next 15 years.  When I read this I thought at first it was a piece from The Onion but it turned out to be a perfectly legit article in the New York Times .  I guess this will really serve as a wake up call to Boko Haram.    The article indicated that Wonder Woman got the nod over 6 other candidates that were not identified.  As mystified as I was by this inexplicable affair I immediately wanted to know who had been passed over.  With millions of people around the globe being starved, mutilated and vaporized, if the United Nations truly felt this was a worthwhile way to spend time and money, couldn’t they have gone about things in a more sensible manner? Image from aryanunity.com Without downplaying the contribut...

Image from hoarderhelpline.com For the first time in many years, Josette Buchman entered her sister-in-law’s home and discovered a fully-clothed skeleton lying face-up on a bedroom floor.  Josette was there to get some things for Rita, her blind sister-in-law who had earlier been rushed to the hospital.  The authorities indicated that the deceased had died of natural causes and was assumed to be Rita’s son Louis, who disappeared 20 years ago at the age of 29.  The police said the bedroom looked like “a garbage truck had dumped its load.” Image from wordpress.com The most well-known hoarders were of course the Collyer brothers of New York City . Homer and Langley Collyer spent decades as hermits amassing 140 tons of stuff in a four-story brownstone in Harlem.  The brothers lived together in seclusion until 1947 yet disputes with local authorities periodically drew them into the public eye and ultimately the term "Collyer" (meaning "mess") became pa...

Image from scriptmag.com When I watched Julia Child's  The French Chef  on television in 1963 I had no inkling where it might lead.  The show came along after the success of her cookbook  Mastering The Art of French Cooking,  a lengthy work aimed at demystifying classic French cooking for the American housewife.   Image from WSJ.com Thankfully the television show was nothing like the book whose recipes and detailed instructions were a real challenge.  Rather than the cooking, Julia herself was what made the television show a hit.  She appeared to be having the time of her life sipping wine, chortling away with her cartoon voice, relishing every opportunity to chop, hammer or skewer with a bit of a flourish.  Rather than a chore, making the meal was such joy for her it made you want to try it.  Along the way you'd also pick up techniques for basics like prepping vegetables or deboning a chicken but it was her love affai...