Spondylolisthesis

The threat of being drafted and sent to Viet Nam was largely responsible for my completing a four year college degree.  A student deferment granted by the United States Selective Service System was a terrific motivator for staying in school.  After graduating from Occidental, I had to continue on to graduate school to maintain my student deferment which I succeeded in doing for a little over 3 years.  If you could  maintain a C average, carry the minimum number of units required and avoid accumulating enough credits in any one discipline to qualify for an advanced degree, you could achieve permanent limbo.  Yet my hatred of school and the steady diet of dead-end, part-time jobs finally wore me down and I dropped out of school. 

A few months later I received a letter from the local draft board directing me to appear for a pre-induction physical.  Shortly after receiving the letter, I had a conversation with someone who claimed I should wait until the day of the physical, sleep in until about ten AM, then phone the induction center and tell them I was sick and wouldn't be able to make it in.  He went on to say that the draft boards and induction centers were so hopelessly mired in bureaucracy, it would take six months for them to reschedule another physical.  You would have to be completely desperate to go along with such a theory, but I was and I did.

I followed his instructions and missed six consecutive physicals covering a period of three years.  Some time later I read where this was made a federal offense.  It was after missing the sixth physical that a muscle spasm in my lower back bothered me enough to see a doctor.  I'd had similar back spasms on and off since my teenage years but this was the first time it lasted more than a day or two.  I went to Kaiser on Sunset in Hollywood and was seen by a Vietnamese doctor who showed me x-rays of two of my vertebrae where the little wing nuts on the sides hadn't fully formed.  This gives the back muscles too little to hold onto and can cause spasms.  He said it was common in 7% of the population and the condition was called spondylolisthesis.  I asked if he could provide me with a letter and he did.

At that time there were countless anti war organizations rallying against the national stupidity, one of which was Mothers for Peace.  I went to one of their store fronts on Melrose Ave and found a paperback book which included evaluations of medical conditions as they related to draft status.  It was formatted in the same manner as a book of movie reviews.  Medical terms for each condition were listed alphabetically, for each affliction there was a short description and a rating of one to four stars. One star meant that despite suffering from this condition, you were still eligible for the draft once you reached 18 years of age.  The opposite end of the spectrum was four stars which meant that you would not be drafted unless the commies killed Bob Hope and set the White House on fire.  I thumbed through the book and found spondylolisthesis with four stars.

When I arrived at the induction center for my physical, I was just short of twenty-six years old.  All of the other inductees were eighteen.  The other striking difference was that there was a flat, nearly empty manila file folder awaiting each of the other inductees but my folder was 3 inches thick due to the documentation that is generated when one misses six previous calls to duty.  None of this went unnoticed by the soldiers running the induction center.

Eventually, one of the soldiers asked if anyone had a letter from a doctor regarding a medical condition.  I raised my hand and was escorted into a small office where I sat down and spoke with a medical officer.  After looking at the ridiculous pile of paper crammed into my file folder and having read the letter from the Vietnamese doctor, he asked me, "What does this letter say?"  Without skipping a beat I said, "It says I have spondylolisthesis of the fifth lumbar and first sacral vertebrae" as these words were etched into my brain.

Then in a sort of threatening tone he said, "You know, we are going to x-ray you".

I said, "I can hardly wait."  In hindsight. I regret making the smart ass response but not the result.  He told me to go outside and wait.  They never did x-ray me but ten minutes later, a lady from the Red Cross took me down stairs and spoke to me, doing her best to let me down as gently as possible, informed me that I did not have a future in Uncle Sam's Army.