Local News

How did the local news coverage on television become so totally insulting, irritating and useless?  I had to stop watching it a few years ago for mental health reasons.  At  the time, I had moved beyond mere fantasizing and was actually making plans to take a machete to the channel 7 news staff.  It's fortunate I abandoned my plans as I recently discovered that Al Primo was the real culprit.

KABC-TV Eyewitness News airs on channel 7 in the Los Angeles area.  The "Eyewitness" tag was attached to the show in 1969.  The term originated 10 years earlier in Cleveland where KYW-TV kicked off the nation's first 90 minutes local newscast.  The tag was adopted by Westinghouse's other stations over the following years.

The term was the brainchild of Al Primo who, believe it or not, is referred to as "The Father of Eyewitness News."   Al introduced a format with a faster pace and reporters in the field as eyewitnesses to news events.  News anchors were no longer on camera to present news but were instead directed to chat up reactions to events covered by reporters at the scene.  The embarrassing, inane babbling amongst the anchors was encouraged and labeled as "Happy Talk" by Al who wanted the anchor's personalities displayed.

I now understand why these half-dozen adults carry on every night as complete imbeciles.  However, I have yet to comprehend why their annual salaries range from $400,000 to $1,000,000.  If these amounts reflect their ability to draw viewers, it does not bode well for mankind.

Al Primo may be responsible for the format but since he's still in Cleveland, I'll give him a pass for the content of the local "news" in Southern California.  In truth, there is no "news" as the word would imply.  Coverage is limited to a dozen or so stories that repeat many times all year long, every year.  None of these events (1) affect 99.999% of the viewing public; (2), qualify as "news":  or (3), serve any earthly purpose whatsoever. 

I encourage you to watch the local Southern California news on ABC, NBC or CBS one evening and see if anything other than the following is covered.  Verbatim headlines are shown in italics.

Police involved shooting – either a policeman or a citizen was shot; the victim(s) may have shot themselves; the victim is dead, is in ICU or is recovering; the victim was a minority, homeless, handicapped or all of the above; the shooter is dead, is on the loose, or has been reassigned to administrative duty.  The police Chief can not comment regarding the shooting since the incident is under investigation.  Footage of a neighborhood protest led by radicals, church leaders, parents, family members, the KKK, the ACLU, the NRA or the American Nazis Party is provided.   Footage of side walk memorials with piles of flowers, candles and condolence notes.

Rain forecast – How can it require 10 minutes every night to report the weather in Los Angeles?  On the rare occasion when there is even the slightest possibility of a drop of rain, the forecast becomes an over-blown apocalypse for dramatic effect.  My son Marc went to the Brookside Golf Course in Pasadena early one morning following the previous evening's forecast which encouraged people to start building an ark.  Marc said it was the nicest of mornings but the course was virtually empty as everyone had been warned of a once-in-a-century rain storm.  There was one other golfer there that morning.  It was Dallas Raines – the weatherman for KABC-TV Eyewitness News.

When rain is forecast you can count on a reporter to be on-scene where the most recent brush fire occurred with footage showing the Fire Department handing out sand bags to some residents.  If and when it actually does rain, the Los Angeles River will claim one fatality for every inch of rainfall.

Show biz – Dancing with the stars announces a new group of losers as competitors for coming season; footage from movie premiere; footage of celebrity placing hands in cement at Grauman's Chinese, or getting a star on the walk of fame,  special segment by entertainment reporter entitled the cast of full house 20 years later; and results of last nights dancing with the stars.  A celebrity that goes by a single name is in rehab; has been found not guilty of murder; has been arrested, released, fined or placed on probation; has undergone surgery to become a man, or a women, or some of both; has died of an overdose, divorced or has been hospitalized after being beaten half-to-death by another celebrity.

Plugs & teasers – Promotional tripe for new/current show on same network; one of the anchors reads off a list of stories that will be part of news cast in following ten minutes or a later news program; the promised ten minutes will extend to the end of the news cast.

Expert segment – While footage of seismometer graph is shown, seismologist describes advances in technology but omits mentioning that they can't predict earthquakes; Los Angeles City bureaucrat advises how to be prepared for an earthquake; dietician gives advice about diet directly contradicting advice offered several months earlier; consumer reporter advises where to find best bargains for electronics, movie tickets and food that dietician earlier claimed will kill you.

Medical – Announcement of a new technology, treatment or procedure that MIGHT someday in the far off future cure cancer, ALS, Hodgkin's or Leprosy but will never be heard from again; results of a recent study indicate coffee, wine, milk or breathing is either good or bad for you but this outcome will be reversed before the year is out.

Holidays – How to cook a turkey and prevent salmonella; footage from the rescue mission where the homeless are having their soup bowls re-filled by Pamela Anderson and Trini Lopez; footage from the airport where traveler's flights are being delayed; footage from other parts of the country showing snow, sleet, hail, tornados or hurricanes.

Fire – Footage from a structure fire but only at night since the flames show up better on film.  Footage of a brush fire, interviews with fire fighters and residents in front of their destroyed, threatened or miraculously saved property.

Pro football – Latest pie-in-the-sky effort to bring professional football to Los Angeles which will never amount to anything.  Interviews with civic leaders looking for headlines but without any money and never having spoken to a single person who represents the National Football League.

Crash – Death, damage or injury due to street racing, drunk driver plows into house, business or crowd; police pursuit of stolen car across multiple counties; or car versus metro-rail.  Chase suspect runs into KABC-TV van while fleeing from CHP.

Animals – Puppy rescue; Horse injured in crash on 60 frwy in Pomona; French bulldog puppy killed at PETCO Hotel inspires viral campaign; pub owner adds special menu for 4-legged friends; mountain lion successfully crosses 101 freeway; 2 dogs kill pet cat, dog owner dumps dead cat on front lawn.

Chemical complaints -  Neighborhood property or health threatened by fumes, traffic, truck route, refinery, chili sauce, night club patrons, prostitutes, odors, emissions, industrial run-off, vandals, meth labs, or drones.

Crime beat – One or more people who were either innocent bystanders or had it coming,  were done away with by an ex-boy friend, internet pen pal, escaped convict or gang member.  Footage will  include pointless interviews with neighbors claiming perpetrator was quiet and minded their own business.  Someone was shot at, mugged, beaten or raped on the USC or UCLA campus; school officials announce upgrades to campus security.

Miscellaneous – Something to do with the Hollywood sign or piano mysteriously appears atop Santa Monica Mountains.