Trout Haven
TROUT HAVEN GAZETTE
Fish Feeds Multitude
by Teresa Owen-Cooper & Marcus Montoya
Redding, California July 25, 2009 – Local church elders held interviews long into the night to verify reports that Elizabeth Herndon, a resident of Los Angeles, had managed to feed hundreds of anglers with Jason Hadley's prize winning catch at the annual Trout Haven Nude Fishing Tournament.
When contacted by phone Elizabeth explained, "I started making lunch for me and Jason and I could tell there would be a little extra. After I invited some of the other contestants to join us I could see a line starting to form, so I resorted to a few special techniques using a roux, some stuffing and other gimmicks. "
Originally from Northern California, Elizabeth went on to state that learning how to stretch a meal did not come to her through traditional means. "It was the years I spent working as Helen Keller's personal chef that really made it possible,' she explained. "Although I was hired to prepare all of the meals, Helen kept stumbling into the kitchen and insisting that she be allowed to experiment. In time she became quite proficient in putting together various dishes that were her own creations. She didn't have a great deal of patience when she was whipping something up and would often grab things at random when searching for ingredients."
"What few people were aware of was that Helen possessed phenomenal physical strength and could easily toss aside any of her handlers. When she got up a head of steam in that kitchen you had to stand back and let her go until she collapsed or injured herself. Some of the things she made were awful but she always ate what she cooked."
Elizabeth went on to describe the day a blender came to Helen's residence via parcel post. "Once the blender showed up she'd be in the kitchen for days at a time. It was a real donnybrook trying to get her into bed. The surprising thing was that once in a while, purely by accident mind you, she made something fairly decent. At least it tasted decent until you spotted an open can of Drain-O or diced Brillo pads on the counter; or you'd bite into a pocket of bone chips (she seemed always to have her hands in the blender at the wrong time)."
Elizabeth praised Keller's creativity, "My personal favorite was her horseradish popovers filled with anchovy pudding and then dusted with a light coating of Boraxo powdered hand cleaner."
When asked about the dish that fed the tournament participants, Elizabeth said, "Jason and I rented a camper for the tournament that included a blender. When that rush of anglers converged on us, those years with Helen all came rushing back to me. It ended up as a rather thick bouillabaisse. As for the recipe, I'd have to check the camper inventory listed in the rental agreement."
UFO Caught In Trophy Fish Photo
by Gazette staff writers and wire reports
Redding, California July 25, 2009 – Yesterday's annual Trout Haven Nude Fishing Tournament concluded amid great confusion and controversy. Jason Hadley, a prominent demolition expert, hauled in the day's biggest fish but a shoving match broke out during the award ceremony when other anglers claimed Hadley had thrown rocks at them to chase them from the prime fishing spots.
When confronted with the charges made by the unruly crowd, Hadley insisted he was only trying to defend himself from a low-flying craft that had repeatedly buzzed him throughout the morning. Hadley's explanation failed to convince anyone and just when it looked as though things were going to get very ugly, Elizabeth Herndon stepped forward with one arm raised holding aloft her cell phone. Earlier in the day Elizabeth had taken a picture of a beaming Jason with the winning fish in his grasp. She shouted for everyone to "shut the fuck up" and pointed to the upper left corner of the photo where a metallic disk was seen hovering in the background. The potential for violence gradually diminished as the cell phone was passed among the crowd and examined. Tournament officials reinstated Hadley as the winner despite accusations that Elizabeth had used Photoshop.
When asked about the bait he had used, Hadley described how he always attaches a sprig of his nostril hair to all of his fishing lures or flies. "The fish go nuts over it," explained Hadley, also mentioning that he had been snorting Rogaine for several weeks to cultivate a good patch for the tournament which was why his left nostril was now bare.
"The downside is that you can't simply snip them off," Hadley explained, "You have to yank them out by the roots because that's what the fish really go for." When asked about the abundant growth in his other nostril, Hadley responded, "Bass tournament in two weeks."